Joy and Pain. The missing piece of my heart

Ive never been able to really express myself about this because im the oldest grandchild and ive had to hold it together for the little ones but today, there’s a few things I need to get off my chest. I can’t believe its been 5 years, I still can’t believe you aren’t here. The pain of losing you , someone who meant so much to me and was so special to me has given me the belief that I can handle anything this world throws at me. I’ve been beating myself up about this situation for so long. I didn’t think you being in the hospital was going to turn out like it did. I should’ve been there. You have always been there. Regardless of the situation you were always there so I won’t make any excuses, I should’ve been there. The simple fact that i wasnt there just eats away at my soul. You always fought for me, even if it was against my parents you did not care , you would do anything for your 1st grandchild. We didnt come from a lot of money, but you had a heart of gold, you put your heart into every detail making sure things were always perfect. Everything seemed like it was worth a million bucks. You always said i needed to learn how to enjoy lifes simplest pleasures and now when I see how materialistic the world has become I understand that most aren’t happy with the little things. And nothing materialistic will fill that void.  The holidays have become so numb for me, that’s when I miss you the most. There was always a family sweet potato pie and there was always a sweet potato pie set to the side for lil Scotty. Pops would always hate he just had to cut my pie just because it was his house.  I’d do anything for one of those pies right about now.  I’d do anything for us to sit on the patio and argue about why we both shouldn’t be smoking. Til this day I’ve never touched a cigarette. Remember when malik’s crazy ass hid your cigarettes, u tried to kill him 😂 maaan I miss you so much. In 5 years alot has changed but honestly the family is doing a lot better and I think you’d really be proud . Your oldest, my dad, has really embraced the role you played and making sure the family comes together as much as possible. He even made your birthday a holiday well just in our eyes 😂 . The girls are doing pretty well, I just wish they would stop growing up. They are really growing into beautiful intelligent young ladies and I can’t handle it. Even Malik’s changing, he finally sees that working a regular job is much easier than running the streets. As for me you passing away has become a driving force for me to change from the lifestyle I was trying to live at that time. U probably wouldnt like the fact that I cut my hair but i think it was time and I had a good reason . Im no longer running the streets getting in trouble for dumb shit. I remember you use to call me a party animal all the time and now I barely even go out and party anymore. Ive really put all my focus into being and doing something positive. I want to make sure I have a positive impact on a world driven by negativity. I’m more focused than ever right now. I’m selling cars at Honda, I’m interning at CNN, I’m writing for a few websites and designing for a clothing line. I’m still not where I want to be just yet, but things seem to be headed in the right direction. Everything I have going on is really humbling because I never saw any of this happening. Sorry but I still haven’t given you any grand babies, you know I’m not trying to be a baby daddy, and these girls these days they are something else. I’m too focused on my own path to success right now, chasing greatness as i like to call it. I want to accomplish things that’ll have people remember our family forever. I want to leave a legacy behind thats timeless. And you unlike most would probably tell me to go for it. You always believed in me even when I didn’t see it in myself. You passing away has given me the strength to believe I can handle anything, so I’m up for that challenge. I could write for days just reminiscing on all the good times. My heart hurts just thinking about it all. I love you. Rest in peace my angel